2014 NFL Preview

Here comes my annual preview of the impending NFL season (already one game under way), which will eventually be embarrassingly incorrect.

DIVISION PREDICTIONS

AFC East
1. New England Patriots (12-4)
2. Buffalo Bills (6-10)
3. Miami Dolphins (6-10)
4. New York Jets (5-11)

Per usual, Tom Brady and angry mad genius Bill Belichick will lead the New England Patriots to an AFC East title, probably a trip to the AFC Championship, and maybe even a chance to lose to the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl. With an improved defense and more time spent gelling as a team overall, the AFC Championship appearance is that much more of a lock. For some reason the Miami Dolphins seem to be getting some hype. Maybe it's just because I haven't been reading too much about them, but, I don't understand why this is. I think between defense and young, talented weapons on offense (regardless of NFL experience), the Buffalo Bills are the better team. Not that they're going to be good. I expect the New York Jets to be atrocious this year due to drama and lack of true talent, and that should be really fun.

AFC North
1. Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8)
3. Baltimore Ravens (8-8)
4. Cleveland Browns (5-11)

The Cincinnati Bengals have a very good defense and capable offense that could really blow up if Andy Dalton can decrease the number of mistakes. This makes them the best team in a mediocre AFC North, albeit not a great team. A.J. Green is probably the best wide receiver in the conference, right? With a .500 record, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens both could legitimately compete for one of the Wild Card playoff spots along with the Kansas City Chiefs. It's always a fun race between these two AFC North teams, but, over the past few years it has gotten less and less interesting as their overall quality has diminished. It makes me sad. Also, fuck Ray Rice. That Josh Gordon is suspended for the whole year is a crime compared to what Ray Rice did, and it makes me sick. That being said, Gordon's absence makes the Cleveland Browns a lock for being terrible once again in 2014. The Johnny Manziel thing will be fascinating, however, I'm not sure if I should hate him for being an obnoxious douche-hole, or root for him because he is an entertaining obnoxious douche-hole.

AFC South
1. Indianapolis Colts (10-6)
2. Houston Texans (7-9)
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12)
4. Tennessee Titans (4-12)

Andrew Luck is a much different quarterback than Peyton Manning is (and was when he was the Indianapolis Colts' golden boy), but, I believe that he will eventually have the same effect on the team as Manning did, and may even win more championships once he and Brady retire. The Indianapolis defense seems to be improving, and once they can acquire a competent running back, they will be very good. The Houston Texans certainly have a giant uphill battle after their 2-14 2013. I don't follow college football or the NFL Draft very closely, so I don't know a ton about Jadeveon Clowney, but, apparently he is a once-in-a-generation stud on defense. Perhaps he alone will help them to be the second best team in the AFC South again, like they were in the conference's latter Manning days. I have no idea what to say about the Jacksonville Jaguars and Tennessee Titans, aside from the fact that they will be god-awful.

AFC West
1. Denver Broncos (13-3)
2. San Diego Chargers (9-7)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (8-8)
4. Oakland Raiders (3-13)

Obviously Peyton Manning's Denver Broncos are the team to beat. Last year's record breaking offense will simmer down a smidge thanks to the Wes Welker suspension, the loss of Eric Decker (though his replacement, Emmanuel Sanders, is probably a more dangerous weapon), and simply NFL defenses catching on a little bit. That being said, like New England, the Broncs defense is improved, and that should go a long way. Only the Pats and the Broncs have the talent enough to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. It's almost a toss up, except that it's not, because the Broncos are still better. I'd say that Demaryius Thomas might actually be tied with A.J. Green as the best wideout in the NFL, but, Thomas has one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time throwing to him, so, that helps. Anyway, the San Diego Chargers will probably have pretty close to the same season they had in 2013: great passing offense thanks to a brilliant offensive-minded coach and a habitually pissed off, underrated QB, a surprisingly serviceable running attack, and one of the absolute worst running defenses in the entire league. They are on a fast track to a Wild Card playoff round exit. The Kansas City Chiefs will not be as good as they were last year when they inexplicably were undefeated for forever (incredible defense at the time, I know, but, they really fell off). They'll still be an entertaining, competitive squad, but, it pretty much ends there. As long as he's healthy, Jamaal Charles will be the second or third most exciting player to watch. I will be surprised if the Oakland Raiders aren't the most embarrassingly terrible team in the AFC, if not the entire NFL.

NFC East
1. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)
2. Washington R------s (8-8)
3. New York Giants (7-9)
4. Dallas Cowboys (7-9)

Can there be a more mediocre division than the AFC North? Yes, and that is the NFC East. Defenses will finally be catching on to Chip Kelly's ridiculously uptempo offense, but, the Philadelphia Eagles will still be a blast to watch. LeSean McCoy is a true stud, and I believe Nick Foles to be a darkhorse MVP candidate despite his small sample size. Not sure how effective his receivers will actually be, though, after the loss of DeSean Jackson. Should be interesting. Also, that defense isn't going to be very good, is it? They're still the best team in the division. I firmly believe that the Washington R------s will be the second best team in the NFC East as that offense has potential to be pretty amazing if the coaching staff learns how to use RGIII. I really want to root for the guy. I like him a lot. But, the racist team name makes it hard to not wish for the worst for them at this point. I look forward to another laughable season from Eli Manning, and really the whole New York Giants team. They really are a consistently bad to mediocre team who somehow limps into a Super Bowl victory every four years. And, oh, the Dallas Cowboys. I want to sort of like them now that they picked up Michael Sam after the St. Louis Rams cut him (fuck you Rams, you totally deserve the Sam Bradford season-ending injury). I also don't hate Tony Romo, and think he is a very good regular season/fantasy QB when he's healthy. His instances of choking are charming and hilarious to me. I also really like DeMarco Murray, but, maybe that's only because I ended up drafting him for one of my fantasy squads this year. However, Jerry Jones is the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, and he is an evil goblin who deserves the worst. I cannot wait for the day that he says some racist Donald Sterling shit and loses his ownership.

NFC North
1. Green Bay Packers (12-4)
2. Chicago Bears (10-6)
3. Detroit Lions (7-9)
4. Minnesota Vikings (5-11)

I know that the Green Bay Packers just got their asses destroyed by the Seattle Seahawks last night, but, they are still far and away the best team in the NFC North, without question. Aaron Rodgers is like Brady, Manning and Drew Brees in that it doesn't matter what he has to work with, his stats will be amazing and he will win 10 to 13 games single handedly. He's got some quality receivers, though, and a potentially the next great young running back in Eddie Lacy if he stays healthy. They certainly need help at tight end. Defense is definitely the only real question mark here, and it could go either way. I think the Chicago Bears will finally land that Wild Card playoff spot again, simply because of the incredible offense. It's funny to think of Jay Cutler leading an "incredible" offense because, let's face it, he's really not that great, and he is a huge douche. BUT, man, between Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffery and Matt Forte, dude has the best set of weapons. I feel like every year I predict my Detroit Lions to go 7-9. 2014 is no exception. Once again, the Lions are extremely talented in certain areas on both sides of the ball (and seriously, their offense is surprisingly kinda stacked now), but, somehow, they will find a way to screw everything up and be the definition of mediocre. Don't hate me because I'm being realistic. Of course I'm rooting for them to win it all, but, let's be real here. They still have some work to do. I will say that I am very excited about Joique Bell, and am pulling for him to be the guy eventually. The Minnesota Vikings will certainly struggle all year, but Adrian Peterson makes them relevant. Cordarrelle Patterson makes them more relevant. And, Teddy Bridgewater makes them even more relevant! He will be fun to follow over the next year or two.

NFC South
1. New Orleans Saints (12-4)
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6)
3. Atlanta Falcons (7-9)
4. Carolina Panthers (7-9)

The New Orleans Saints improved on defense, and Drew Brees is to Aaron Rodgers what Tom Brady is to Peyton Manning (incredible quarterback with mad scientist head coach and limited resources vs. incredible quarterback with meathead head coach and pseudo-studs). They are hands down the best team in the NFC South, and will compete for the NFC Championship, but, will fall short because of the Seattle Seahawks. My bold prediction for this season is that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be 2014's Arizona Cardinals and go 10-6, just missing the playoffs. I believe in them. Not necessarily either of their quarterbacks (Josh McCown or Mike Glennon, though, they are both potentially fun stories), but, the weapons they have to work with are pretty impressive. Also, this defense has become pretty stacked, and it seems like defense wins NFC Championships. Not that I'll be going that far with this team, though. The Atlanta Falcons will be much better this season with Matt Ryan's every-other-year magic and a healthy Julio Jones and Roddy White. Their TE and RB situations are UGLY, though, and this defense is still really bad. The Carolina Panthers will be this year's NFC South first-to-worst story, but, if Cam Newton can stay relatively healthy, he and the extremely talented defense will lead them to roughly seven victories. Who the hell is Cam gonna throw to, though? My friend Brian says Kelvin Benjamin. I'm not sure I even know who that is.

NFC West
1. Seattle Seahawks (13-3)
2. San Francisco 49ers (11-5)
3. Arizona Cardinals (7-9)
4. St. Louis Rams (5-11)

Russell Wilson. Marshawn Lynch. Percy Harvin. Essentially everyone on that defense. I am simply listing all the reasons why the Seattle Seahawks should fairly easily make it back to the Super Bowl. Despite all the drama, stupid mistakes and "distractions" (one of my least favorite NFL buzzwords), the San Francisco 49ers will still win 10 to 12 games and look like the second best team in the NFC coming out of what was (and should have been if it weren't for certain injuries) the toughest division in the entire NFL. I know there's a weird rape-y store regarding Colin Kaepernick that recently surfaced that's gonna make it hard for me to root for him, and Jim Harbaugh is a giant baby-gremlin. Otherwise, I would root for them over the Seahawks. But, I won't. Regardless, this team will run the ball like hell (regardless of Frank Gore getting closer and closer to being an NFL grandpa), and the defense will still be very good despite some critical injuries and suspensions and whatnot. The Arizona Cardinals were another hype team for a while there, and I understand why a little more than the Miami Dolphins. But, Carson Palmer will come down from his mountain and be mediocre and Larry Fitzgerald will eventually retire a depressed Cardinal. Bums me out. The defense will still be decent in spite of some critical injuries (sounding like a broken record... stopping soon), and maybe Andre Ellington is something special? Moving on, Sam Bradford's season-ending injury was preemptive karma for the St. Louis Rams cutting Michael Sam, and they also deserve another 10 years of being terrible. Their defense is pretty awesome, though, and I am hoping Zac Stacy and Tavon Austin end up being studs.

POST-SEASON AWARDS
Coach of the Year: Marc Trestman (Chicago) - Trestman for getting the Bears back to the playoffs with an incredible offense despite Jay Cutler. Lovie Smith (Tampa Bay) and Jim Harbaugh (San Francisco) were also considered.
Comeback Player of the Year: Julio Jones (WR, Atlanta) - He is the stud that got injured in the middle of an incredible season in 2013, and will come back to be pretty great for a whole season.
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Jadeveon Clowney (OLB, Houston) - He's really the only name I know, and like I said, is apparently a once-in-a-generation player.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Sammy Watkins (WR, Buffalo) - I originally was thinking Johnny Manziel (QB, Cleveland), but, that was only if he was going to start the whole season. Watkins is supposedly the most talented offensiveman in this draft class, right?
Defensive Player of the Year: Earl Thomas (FS, Seattle) - I figured I had to pick someone from the Seahawks. Offenses are going to be too smart to throw Richard Sherman's direction, so he will essentially disappear and Thomas will get more attention.
Offensive Player of the Year: LeSean McCoy (RB, Philadelphia) - I like to pick an offensive player that is not a quarterback for this award, since a quarterback always wins MVP. McCoy is incredibly versatile, and though Matt Forte (RB, Chicago) and Jamaal Charles (RB, Kansas City) are similar players, I think he is slightly better.
Most Valuable Player: Aaron Rodgers (QB, Green Bay) - I think this is essentially a toss up between Rodgers, Peyton Manning (QB, Denver), Tom Brady (QB, New England) and Drew Brees (QB, New Orleans). Rodgers gets the nod in my book, because he was injured for a healthy portion of last season and the Packers went 8-7-1 and still won the NFC North and made the playoffs, and this year he will be there for the entire season and they will go 12-4 and be a Super Bowl contender, proving exactly how valuable he is to that team. That said, in an MVP race, all four of these guys are interchangeable, and whoever has the highest QB rating, most passing yards and touchdowns will win the award.

PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

AFC Wild Card Round
(3) Cincinnati Bengals over (6) Pittsburgh Steelers
(4) Indianapolis Colts over (5) San Diego Chargers

NFC Wild Card Round
(3) New Orleans Saints over (6) Chicago Bears
(5) San Francisco 49ers over (4) Philadelphia Eagles

AFC Divisional Round
(1) Denver Broncos over (4) Indianapolis Colts
(2) New England Patriots over (3) Cincinnati Bengals

NFC Divisional Round
(1) Seattle Seahawks over (5) San Francisco 49ers
(3) New Orleans Saints over (2) Green Bay Packers

AFC Championship
(1) Denver Broncos over (2) New England Patriots

NFC Championship
(1) Seattle Seahawks over (3) New Orleans Saints

Super Bowl XLIX
(1) Denver Broncos over (1) Seattle Seahawks

Super Bowl XLIX MVP
Demaryius Thomas (WR, Denver)